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Scheduling. This morning I woke up didn’t meditate, play piano, or any of my routine things. I had a strong inclination to be outside. Even tho it’s cold, I got up, took a shower, ate my breakfast and went outside. I watched a few YouTube videos and posted one of me gardening and spoke to a friend on Instagram about being different. The truth is, I feel deeply. I voiced a few of my frustrations this morning online and it felt good to just say them. I know other people are experiencing frustrations. I also feel like people try to study or analyze me to understand what my emotions are but as I was gardening, I couldn’t help but feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness. It wasn’t mine, tho. I always talk about energy and How everything is connected. I also believe that the energy we create affects the weather and or nature. There is so much anger and pain in the black community about the death of Ahmaud. But how do we move forward knowing this has happened and continues to happen? We just do. How do we move forward knowing that we aren’t alone? By not leading with anger but with love. I look at my life. Whenever my father would yell at me, I would just shut down. I learned to exist in this state not understanding how to feel. And then I repeated that behavior when I was no longer in my house. It took a lot of patient people to help me through this and as much as black communities seem to want to only want help from other black people, I don’t think that’s how it works. I had to go learn from others to do something I couldn’t comprehend and with their support, I believe we can do more than dividing and just trying to do from our own understanding. Perhaps this is why, I keep going back to a diverse culture. The truth is, I don’t do well with just one energy. I feel completely out of balance. I bring a lot of it with me and that helps but I’m this way, so does social media. I think it’s perceived as just sexuality or another form of spirituality but I keep coming back to the conclusion that none of these things are separate. When I live in that truth. I am whole. Part 2 My dream, to not be bound by capitalism. I wish I had unlimited resources to just create without the expectation of it having to be good or questioning wether I’m good enough. But to do this, you need money. You’re a dancer they ask? I have danced. It what I have done the longest but when I’m just a dancer, I’m unfulfilled. I like to think I’m a really great actor but as my teacher says, 1 day off is a 2 steps backwards. I’m a talented singer with no place to sing. But my mind, my mind thinks in an unconventional way which makes all of these things unique. Which make the unbelievable, believable. The industry I’m in seems to have put reality in a box or given it a formula, sad story, loving family, overcomes, talented. But it feels like I’m supposed to be one thing but perhaps that’s just the self doubt talking. I’m curious about all the things within my capacity. I guess right now, I’m resting. Regaining my strength. I chose film because I can express myself in every avenue. I chose social media cause it was easy but even now capitalism has ruined it. You have to use these hash tags and this quality shooting to fit what captures people’s attention instead of it being individual or unique. It has to have this amount of collaboration and engagement. I feel we’ve gone from extreme isolation to extreme over saturation. I saw an article today where a completely cgi’ed person got signed to a label. What’s the point of even studying this anymore? If I could wish, maybe my wish would have been to be born rich. Maybe I would have some understanding of money. Then, I could just create but truth be told, I probably wouldn’t have any creativity. I learned a lot of my creativity from my difficult childhood. I honestly don’t know why I’m here anymore. I’ve been the voice of so many people. I’ve shared so much. Normal people want families and money and fame. I want to create and knowledge that I can use to create more with and resources and the ability to travel to exotic places to create. I want experiences that fuel and feed my creativity but I don’t know if such a world exists. I have met some really wonderful people who have given me those rare and special opportunities and I honor them, hold them close to my heart in the hopes of giving more abundantly what they gave me with the little they had. I wish I had a Disney land, or a universal studios lab where creatives just say together with nothing but resources and time to create and learn. Like a nasa for the arts. We could learn whatever interested us and then create masterful works or crap which ever it ended up being. I’ve always admired M. Knight Shyamalan because he makes some of the coolest films and some Not so great but he just seems to have the resources to do so. To create whatever he wants and when they’re good, they’re great! Like really great. Like, where did, how did u come up with that? I’m watching split. What an amazing role to play. People think I dance to become a dancer but I dance to be fully transformative as an actor. Because with a body that can take any shape, one can inhabit any role. But I don’t create by writing. I just feel. And that’s even harder to get money for.
Day 6
5.9.20

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