Torn between wanting to live my life and the responsibility of the pressure to have to teach. So I learned how to do both. My dream, is and has always been to do film. I know how difficult it is for underprivileged youth to gain accessibility to education so by creating and teaching through social media, they can have both. I guess I’m not the first to think of this. It’s a beautiful thing really. Now, I can still be an artist and teach how I understand creativity. Those who only seek money as power will take my ideas and monopolize on my creativity as they have done so far but if it allows for that one kid to have access and create their own happiness as I did, then it is worth it. So maybe I don’t hate teaching, just hate teaching when it takes precedence over the life I still have and want to live. I can’t be myself in school systems. I don’t have patients for overly privileged and sensitive parents. I don’t want to be anywhere where I have to diminish. I love myself and my form of creativity. I let go of anything that won’t lead to my dreams and embrace what’s coming. I am who I am. I’ve worked hard to be this person who is worthy of every part of me that I wish to be. I hope that can be apart of the message I tell. Be yourself, no matter what. I always get excited at the prospect of being myself. Yes, would I like to find someone who can accept me. Of course, but why does it seem like people think I’m desperate. I’m the type of person who likes to share when I feel safe. It’s funny how when I talk about possibly being polyamorous, people tell me to evolve and try monogamy. It reminds me of when I got caught being gay and everyone told me to seek righteousness and be straight. It’s amazing how spirituality is still used to judge. I guess, soon enough people will start throwing the Bible at me for this, too. Stop trying to set me up, or figuring out the “right” match. I’m just fine. When the right people or person come along, they come along. It honestly feels like I’m being punished. It’s been over a month with no sexual contact with another man. Have I proven myself, yet? I can’t be what I’m not. I don’t know how.
Day 5