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Day 24
This is one of those mornings where I don’t really believe I have much to say but I say that a lot and then end up writing my longest posts. I had a several conversations yesterday on the subject of sexuality and my perception of how I think people believe I should live. The “they” term has been coming up a lot. I often say, “they” make me feel or “they” say this or that when I wonder if “they are even real or am I just projecting. I find myself struggling with the idea of polyamory because I was not raised to be that open minded especially around sexuality but I am liking the idea more and more and gaining comfort in it. What I’m noticing is, I like learning. I think I can get slightly turned on by it. Lol. Doesn’t mean that I will or have to be sexual with everyone who teaches me something but I don’t believe polyamory is just about sex. I know there are people I’m drawn to but it has never been more than talking, maybe some light flirting and I guess that is probably the same with a lot of monogamous relationships but I know that I would want to have the freedom to explore sexually if it came down to that. I’ve been really getting into nipple play. I didn’t realize that growing your nipples actually requires for them to scab and heal. But they are growing. I started icing them after play. Thanks Kristofer. He’s a porn star that I follow and did a video on YouTube about nipple play and other kinks. And he sexy af. I want to have sex with porn stars. It would be fun and hot. I like their freedom. I know there is a high suicide rate among them but I think that’s probably due to them not being seen as human and just objects. But I really don’t know. I often joke and say I would be a porn star if I weren’t going to be famous and that is 100% true. But I guess that isn’t really an issue anymore. I know a lot of famous porn stars who have made so much money, they are doing whatever they want now. I still think I hear that voice of my dad saying don’t do anything that will affect you down the road. Maybe it would be weird seeing a video of me having sex. All I can think about is how it would affect my family. Which kinda sucks. I wonder how porn stars do it? How has it affected their family dynamic. I’m sure not all have been good. I can’t wait till this country is at a place where stuff like that won’t matter anymore. It’s coming. I see and hear people wanting to live authentically as themselves whether they go. It’s great. I don’t want to be the only one 😂. But I guess, I’m not. Turn off the media! Stop fixating on this. Your anger is feeding exactly into what they want. And you are completely distracted. Pay attention. Go do something else. Get out of your head and into your body. Please, calm down so conversations can begin. Burning anything is not going to solve this. You are giving them a reason to react!

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