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I’m sitting under my new favorite tree after meeting with my Tai chi master. It was a great session today. Just he and I and he really broke down the movement in detail. It’s a new way of moving for me. I’m used to muscling a lot of things and this and Qi gong have been teaching me how to move with the breathe and as he would say, from the bones. This is how life is meant to be lived. I talked yesterday about my family. But I don’t see it as just having one family. There are so many perspectives and experiences still to be had and I could never just believe one thing my whole life. What’s the point? I do want freedom. I have it. I won’t ever settle for one experience, life is meant to be a constant learning experience, I believe. And then, put it into art and share. I’m grateful for this time and my teacher who gives so freely. I read this book called the giver when I was in middle school and it, to this day, is still one of my favorites. It tells the story of a young boy who grows up in a colony that is completely brainwashed, for a lack of better words, for their “own safety”. Te truth about history is kept from them and they believe their colony is the only world that exists. At a certain age, everyone is assigned a job and only one is gifted the job of the giver. He receives all the knowledge, old and new but the process is both full of joy and pain, as he is being exposed to experiences and feelings he has never encountered. He then escape his colony... well I won’t give away the ending. I believe it was made into a movie once. My life is so rich and it isn’t because of money. I don’t quite understand this all yet but it’s still fun and I lack, nothing. Although, it would be nice to have sex again. I miss it. 😂 Everything is information I want to be a film maker. A common thread I notice is everyone wanting to be a film maker is the start with their stories and they seem to always involve pain. The reason I love disney is cause it made the impossible possible. I miss sci fi. I fell in love with bollywood because it is enchanting and so full of life and magical. Kungfu, it’s dope and exciting. I made a film about the George Floyd incident yesterday and now it feels like I’m getting that, be yourself speech. And I keep coming back to this, myself is universal. I’ve never created the same thing twice. The reason why I love my work and why I think it’s interesting is because I’m not just a one kind of story teller. I’m also an actor, which means I can tap into feelings if racial injustice but I don’t live there. This is where I and the industry tend to disagree. Or perhaps not but I usually don’t make a project and wait around for praise. Some of my favorite pieces I’ll watch a few times and I’ll enjoy compliments when they are received but then I’m off to the next aspect of my creativity. I’m looking at how to shoot action shots. Gonna scroll through my footage and see what I can use to create one. I think the way I like to work is to be in it for the moment but then let go of the attachment to it. I still feel this pressure from the black community to keep having to tell their story. It is a part of my story but a part. I still have this longing to explore gay culture more in-depth. I’m fascinated by it. I’m fascinated by other cultures too. I saw a African cartoon the other day and that looked intriguing. It was an adventure cartoon. There’s too much pain right now. And that energy is too much to handle. So I shut it out. The thing I found interesting about this last case was that even tho the cops were only fired, it was the fastest any kind of justice had been served. Most people seem to negate that. What happened to appreciating the little victories. Everyone is so enraged and I understand why but having to deal with rage all the time is exhausting. I dealt with it my entire life. I can do what I can when I can but I need breaks. I need to remember that there is a world beyond the misery. Even as a kid in the midst of it, I found that, in my creativity, in my friends and dance. Creating is a happy medium but if we continue to subject ourselves to the hurt in the world we just bleed that everywhere. This is why I miss set. I was surrounded by people who were still kids at heart and we made magical moments. That’s why I called it the land of make believe. Art doesn’t always have to be painful. Distractions are healthy, sometimes. Watch a Disney movie, eat some cake, have sex if you can. Remember the pleasurable things in life. Let go of this evangelical mindset of pleasure being an evil thing that you’re not supposed to experience.
Day 23

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