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Day 22
Definitely slept through my meditation this morning. That’s ok, I’ll tap in later. This apt really dries me out but it is a gorgeous day out. I feel like I had so much to talk about earlier when I first woke up and now nothing. I guess that isn’t a bad thing. I still kinda miss being home. It’s one of those weird conundrums. When I’m there I miss New York like crazy. When I’m here, I miss being there. When I’m home, I don’t think about being single, hell when I’m off social media, I don’t think about being single. I don’t know if I truly ever realized how much I don’t really think about finding a partner when I’m not seeing men in front of me. But I’ve always been like this. Driven by my work and goals. In a way, I’ve not really had time for relationships. Perhaps this is also why I like the idea of polyamory. It feels less co dependent. But it does get old doing everything I like by myself. I’ve gotta get ready for my Tai chi class and I’ll probably be the only person to show up again. That will Never stop me from learning tho but it does explain why I have little friends. But just like me, people have their own lives and are doing what they need to do to get through. Im trying to let go of fear. I wanna do film. I wanna be in big movies again but it’s very strange right now with covid and all the anger going on. I don’t know where to go next. I need some guidance. Do I subscribe to backstage again? Is there something else, I can do. I want to work with great actors as well as continue building something here. I wish things weren’t so complicated. I’m still choreographing for Ailey as well. I want better camera equipment. I wanna know how to shoot better angles and get better with lighting. I think I have great concepts, how do I grow? What next? I feel like a lot has happened this year. I’m trying to trust that I’m safe. That my creativity won’t just dry up. I haven’t been studying coding and that bothers me. I want to keep progressing so much in this field. Broadway, is in the mix too. I need help with clarity. Maybe, my family. Or is law and order still an option?

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