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Day 17
What’s interesting is how much clearer everything seems. I was memorizing lines last night and they stuck much faster than ever before. I used to think my desires were what was keeping me stuck. People’s fear of what I was into and why. I guess, it was probably the intention they were more concerned with. Not recreating trauma or physicalizing it. But I think just the opposite has happened. I remember about 2 months ago, I went to my first leather group meeting. We sat and talked. I learned so much about myself and believe that was the beginning to gaining more clarity on how and why I’m wired. Then I came home, and the perception was that I had taken on some spirit that needed to be exorcised? It was strange. But what seemed to really be happening was so much pain was surfacing. I remembered old wounds that I hadn’t thought about in years. I haven’t addressed my father directly, yet but I have a feeling, he knows more than he used to. One morning, he went to Costco and brought a ton of groceries. I believe that was his way of loving more. I also got the sense he’d been crying. I don’t fully understand the complexities that are my father, as I’m sure he doesn’t understand mine but we are taking baby steps.

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