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I took a break yesterday to write offline cause well, my writings are so often misunderstood. Being home has presented challenges but has also given me hope, an idea of what I’m trying to accomplish and why if I have to teach, let me teach creativity. I still wanna do films to tho. And I can. My side gig, I wanna create. I’ve been watching MasterClasses and there is so much to learn. It’s great. I understand digital learning a bit more but I still don’t believe we should go without person to person interaction. It’s isolating but learning how to learn across different platforms makes you more versatile. I’m really looking forward to furthering my journey into martial arts and how I can develop and use it with dance and especially bo staff. It’s so cool. I think I can still do big movie productions but also background and also create advertisements for brands that I want to promote. Creativity is fun and this is where I think capitalism and socialism can intersect. If I create a piece for Ailey, I get paid for that piece plus commissions. And if I create a social media add, I appreciate the benefits of socialism, maybe?? Could that actually work? I’m still figuring this all out. And eventually maybe I’ll move on to a bigger agency. But the thing I’m really enjoying is bringing brands together. I’ve been watching Anna Wintour on MasterClass and she talks about an era where social classes started dismantling and everyone was just hanging out with everyone cause we are all people and honestly, the more diverse the people you’re around, the more creative your life will be. Maybe this came across the wrong way too. I wanna keep growing. I have to but I also can’t lose my voice. This is supposed to be fun and I’m having fun. I get people may not get it. Is that terrible? I dunno. I go where I can create. I’m learning how to create without being in the space which is new. I don’t have all the great equipment yet but I have the creativity and I’m just using what’s available to me. Could they be better shot and lit, of course but that will come, I wanna be faster and more brilliant at what I do now. Create on demand. Create anywhere. I am starting to get it. How much of this anger has been mine? When I dance, I change the energy. When I do Tai chi, I heal. My father has this affinity for styrofoam plates and cups. He doesn’t like washing dishes and dishes in a dish wrack send him off the deep end. What happened in his childhood that causes this? Does it go further than child hood? I lost my spider today. When I first arrived in my room a little spider came out and greeted me. At first I was hesitant because, it’s a spider but I relaxed and let him just be. He was quite friendly and didn’t bother me at all. I went outside to train today and when I sat down, a spider kept climbing on my leg. I let him hangout for a little bit and then bounced him off. He then climbed on my sweater and just hung out there. I thought it was so strange and proceeded to flick him off again. It then hit me, he looked just like my spider but this time, he didn’t come back. I watched my dad kill a mouse. Well, I couldn’t watch. The mouse got into the house and he caught it on a trap, took it outside and smashed it. I felt so sad. It literally changed my entire day. I left my sweater outside hoping that my spider will come back. We aren’t supposed to be afraid of nature. I think I’ve done it. I know how to be everything I want. I want to get back on sets. Major motion films and it would be great if I could get lines without having to go through a casting director. I can choreograph in my down time for different companies but also using my skills for whatever production I’m on. If I do films, it doesn’t have to necessarily be a recurring thing. I can use social media to continue practicing making content. Continue acting classes with a$. I just need to figure out how I’ll teach choreography virtually. It kinda sucks but I’m working on it. I feel God again. Its not how I’ve been made to think. My mom said my choreography looked like I was doing reiki. It’s amazing how much information we posses. I’m headed back to New York. Is there something wrong with my sexuality? I don’t think so. It feels right. My attraction to leather doesn’t feel dangerous. I think a lot of the anger I have been carrying is pain from my childhood. Writing has helped bring much of it to the surface. I want to continue understanding. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but me, I guess. I can say, I love God. Just as I am. I don’t want to feel afraid of it and now, I know I can come home, sometimes. I think there is still so much trauma within my father, between he and I. I want to feel loved, the way I need to and that’s ok and it isn’t entirely here. My brother and sister give me hope for a new relationship with my family. No baggage. This will take time. So, I’ll enjoy the journey. Stop trying to figure me out. I don’t fit into boxes. God or the universe, is in nature, it’s not separate from us. That’s what I mean by it’s not what I’ve been made to understand. I don’t think I’ll ever fully believe in the Bible. I’ll keep doing what I’ve been doing. Take what works and leave the rest. I’m still going to become the greatest martial artist I can be. I saw two articles today. One of Bruce Lee and how he observed and learned from black boxers and another proclaiming the greatness of black martial artist. The thing I enjoyed about Bruce Lee’s was he looked to them to become a better fighter. He went outside his race to discover something that made him better. How interesting an interpretation of “lean not unto your own understanding”. How can I possibly think I have all the answers or one way is more right over another. If we have the universe inside us, then we all share a common knowledge that some are more aware of than others but is only experienced through connection. Man, am I misunderstood.
Day 16

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