LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

It’s amazing the things I say, sometimes. I started talking about my HIV status online again and something I didn’t realize came up. Or maybe I did but it’s just been a while. I don’t want to be remembered as that actor or black guy living with HIV. What do I mean? Magic Johnson. What’s the first thing that pops into your mind? Now maybe I’m just ignorant but I don’t follow basketball, like at all. Probably to this day wouldn’t know who he is if he didn’t have HIV. Now, I know he’s done a lot of philanthropy and has probably donated a ton of money to the cause but I wonder what toll being that person has taken on him. Does he have an identity outside of that story. Media in America does this a lot. They take a persons misfortune and make it their story. Maybe not even realizing it but often stamping them as that for life. Even Robin Roberts, she’s the black woman who beat cancer. It’s relatable. Americans can relate to it and then it makes her real, personable and a hero. I get it. But when you actually watch her talk and her interviews, she’s a great sports journalist. I never knew that. I don’t think I ever would have had I not seen her MasterClass and why did I see that? Because I want to be a film maker. But will people remember me for that? Maybe after they do a little digging. But if I become famous because I survived HIV, I’m pretty sure that’s all I’ll be contracted for and then I’ll have to reinvent myself just so I can be me again. That’s what happened with dance. I danced for 26 years, knowing I always wanted to act and sing but was forced to just dance. I became amazing at it but when the time came for me to be an actor/singer, no one took me seriously. Not until I left broadway, started doing singing competitions and refused to dance. The industry kept saying, get in anyway you can, when I knew it would hold me back from being everything I can be. Could HIV be my ticket to the work I want? Probably, yea. Does it explain why I am the way I am. Absolutely. I said earlier that it took me 6 years to feel sexy again. I always loved my body. I was always naked. I was a dancer, it is truly a form of my expression but HIV killed it for a while and now I have it back, I may never wear clothes again 😂. I’m alive, I’m sexy, talented af and that’s how I want the world to see me. Not, omg I would never have known you were positive if you didn’t tell me. That’s not a compliment. I think apart of breaking the stigma is not glorifying it like living with it is some kind of achievement. It is! But the sooner we let that go, the sooner it becomes the flu. And maybe I perceive this as something bigger than it is. But I’m pretty sure its still a big deal in black communities because people don’t have the information. And now, it’s my job to inform them, right? Talk about pressure. Today was really stressful. Like I’m exhausted and don’t know why. It’s easy to cry. I might have said some hurtful things but I didn’t mean them that way. When I write, I’m just getting my thoughts out. There is definitely a double standard in society when it comes to being in the spotlight and I can’t I’m not sure where the pressure comes from, exactly. I feel like to be a white celebrity you can get away with a lot more. I think it’s partly, white people don’t care as much about how you present yourself. I’ll speak from my experience. Some did. A lot didn’t. I can’t always tell how Much of The pressure I’m also putting on myself but I know having to pretend to be something I’m not gets exhausting after a while. It’s fun for acting but that’s only temporary. Having been home, I’m playing a character. Not fully, but definitely partially. It’s difficult being somewhere you feel u can’t fully be yourself. Am I too broken to reach my dreams? Does this make me incredibly difficult to work with? I always thought I was a joy on sets. I worked really hard. Tried to engage and help other cast members create the scenes. Whenever, I was needed, I tried to come as quickly as I could. Sure, I was late sometimes. That may never be perfect but never more than 20 min. Not that that is an excuse but I found it wonderful to create and get lost in the land of make believe. I think people think there’s something wrong with people like me. Like, all of it is a cloud of physco mumbo jumbo that I do to stay sane and suppress who I really am. But the truth is, I’m most real in my creativity. Society is when the mask comes on. I don’t usually wear one. When I’m in NY, I don’t wear one. In the summer, I barely wear anything. That authenticity is so wonderful. I always bring apart of me to my work. There is a bit of the real me and then the transformation into the character. Like even now, I’m practicing an ocd character. And I began organizing everything in my room symmetrically. I even wiped my door knob 3 times when exiting and nearly panicked when anything dropped on the floor. It was fun. But it also reminded me of my youth. I was a bit ocd. I was watching MasterClass with Scorsese and he says you have to let the actor play. This is coming from someone who works with the best, I assume and I totally resonated with that. My creations, however they come out are a result of me playing. It’s my process. And I need the freedom without judgement to have that. That’s what I’ve done with social media. I’m doing so, I have begun healing myself through my creativity. Some people get it, I think. Others judge and some try to push me in the direction they think I should go. Lately, people have been letting me decide which I understand can be challenging because, Amaker has a lot of interests. And I think I can do a lot of things well but I also have this curiosity and hunger to understand myself and the world more. Look at that, I’m breathing better. My mind is a little clearer. I’m trying to be better about the things I say and how I say them. I feel like a robot sometimes when communicating virtually because I think I can read people’s reactions and then mine so much better in person. I’m still a tactile learner. This much isolation may be also driving me mad. Boy, I can’t wait to be back on a set. I just don’t know how that’ll work. Although, I did book my first project before all of this started. Perhaps that’s a good sign. My creativity is a wonderful blessing but it can also make the hardest days very hard. I’m moving to paper
Day 14

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...