LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

I just finished my meditation and a lot of anger surfaced. Last night, I was having a conversation with my brother about, you guessed it, my dad. Being home has highlighted a lot of information. I understand why I don’t like being told what to do. At the same time I’m really trying to look at my part in this and not get defensive. I gotta be honest, it’s tuff. I notice that when I hear loud foot steps or when he comes downstairs sometimes, I brace myself. I stop breathing, waiting for whatever it is I or we did wrong to come out. It feels so engrained and it does make me angry. I want to try having a different reaction. At the same time, not feeling like I can be my playful safe on social media has really made me withdraw. I really don’t understand people’s gripe with sexuality or my way of connecting and expressing it. My father said that if I’m not awake when my brother makes breakfast, he can’t leave it for me. And all I can think is why is this so important? I don’t really understand how this affects him. I don’t mean this in any disrespectful manor but I often feel like he wants something to control, so he walks around looking for it. It feels the same with my social media, I purposefully created separate channels for the audiences that I want to target with the content I want to target them with then I’m threatened with the question of wether I want to be an influencer, I better change or “evolve”. I just want to be myself. I always felt, if you don’t like what I’m posting, go somewhere else. Thats why I have 3 other accounts. To be honest, this is helping me figure out where I really want to be. I love the gays. There is no judgment. I can be free and I don’t have to worry about children. I’ve been in groups with straight people who, I think try to make it a safe arena for gays but what it feels like or has often felt like is, we accept these parts of you but you can’t bring that around because we’re family oriented. But what they don’t realize is, we created our own families because most of us don’t fit into this mold of what a family should look like or we don’t fit in entirely so we migrate. We create our own communities. But there’s a catch 22, cause people love when gays move into areas, cause the property value increases. Creativity, fashion and the arts thrive. But just like being black gentrification can ruin that and we like other minorities are forced to relocate to make way for the “American Family”. It’s definitely why I don’t teach in public schools. It’s why I miss broadway and my leather community. But then, there’s my lil brother and my sister. The time with them is the reason I’ll venture outside of my bubble. Their generation gives me hope. They aren’t judgmental. They haven’t been subjected to world of corporate dehumanizing. From what I’ve been hearing, it hasn’t fully reached schools, yet. So that’s hopeful. I don’t know how to be fake. I’ll never teach that. My social media won’t be that either. My sexuality is a part of me and exploring that is essential to who I am. So, if that means I have to limit my presence to places that won’t let me be that, that’s what I have to do. I still don’t know what people want from me when it comes to a gay relationship. It still feels like someone is trying to pin me down. I still don’t believe that will happen. The chance to explore life is why I’m here. And I gravitate toward those who give me that freedom. I am most creative when I am whole. If I shut one part of my expression down the rest goes with it. But that’s not the same as lacking self control. I know how to control myself or channel the energy elsewhere but the energy has to be allowed to flow or I as entire being becomes stuck.
Day 13

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...

LOADING...