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Day 7
I just accidentally deleted day 7 as it was in the wrong section of my blog. I’ll try to recap a bit but it was about capitalism and the constant desire to have money for control and power when I know I want money for freedom, creativity and knowledge. Strange, right? The biggest fear I have with not having money is getting older and not being taken cared of. A house with a garden would be nice. Someone to share it with, too. But I definitely need my own space. I’ve talked about polyamory a lot this week. I feel I keep coming back to this conclusion. I Was watching a series on YouTube that Daddy Hunt produced and it made so much sense. The older daddy was being pursued by the younger boy and the ex of the the daddy was discouraging him in this relationship. Like, how could this happen? Young kids now a days are wish washy or whatever he said. You’ll end up getting hurt. And I couldn’t help but think, how jaded? Granted, I’m sure as you get older and have had your heart broken several times especially after long relationships that may have been 20 plus years. It is harder to trust. But isn’t that the whole joy of dating someone younger? They remind you of those feelings. The joy and wonder of life. I think I want a thrupple, cause I still need a daddy, plus, they are so sexy and I want someone who can grow with me. Perhaps that would be my primary. Who knows? I’ll just remain open. I also have this huge attraction to leather and bdsm and I have someone there. What was also interesting about that interaction was the point the ex made about how they were of a different generation that are accustomed to different wants. It’s funny, my first relationship with my ex, we went through a rough patch but were technically still together. I stated dating an older man and it was wonderful. It gave my ex the time and space that he needed and allowed this part of me to find the fulfillment I needed. My ex tried breaking up with me because he thought I was going to leave him. But I told him I wasn’t and that was the truth aside from the insecurities from both partners the timing and alignment of it was perfect. If only we could have just focused on what was happening in the present. How might it have turned out different? But I’m not rushing. This time is for me to connect with myself again. All of those things can wait until I’m back in the city and life has returned to normal. It’s always better that way. One of the things that has become very apparent since being home is how I want to always be able to change. My dad continues to do a lot of work but I do notice how difficult change is for him but at least he’s trying. I talk about my acting teacher a lot, he’s 74, I think and he has the spirit of a teen or someone in his twenties. He, and I agree with him on many levels believes that teaching solely through technology is robbing many students and people of the sensory but he still does it anyway. He adjusts. It takes a little longer and he continues to voice his opinions which I agree but what also starts to happen is we find ways to try and incorporate what is missing through creativity. My deepest hope is that this won’t become the new norm but an option. In many ways, I’m grateful it’s available because it still allows us to stay connected but it could and shouldn’t ever replace human connection. Part 2. Now begins the character study. As I begin to move into character work, I’m challenging myself with the roles from the movie split and glass. I’ve started with Patricia, hedwig and Dennis. Dennis is proving to be the most difficult as I have to take on his ocd characteristics. The strange thing is, I was once that person and it comes back quite quickly. The true test will be letting it go everyday. I remember how stressful it was. I don’t want to be that person again.
5.12.20

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