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I miss my father. As strange as it may be. My mom isn’t returning my text because I’m pretty sure she wants me to call him. Or , perhaps she’s upset at something I’ve done. This takes work. Healing our relationship. It’s tiring sometimes. I still feel like I’m places between this place of us or them when it comes to New York and my family. But I guess it’s always been a about what I need. I need both. It’s plain and simple and perhaps me continuing to fight for both will help being more unity and understanding to either side. Or just bring more unity to me. I’ve complained about how much he can annoy me which is true but I also know one day I’ll miss that about him. I might as well get as much while I can. I often complain about not wanting to live a life of fear or be surrounded by those who do, so I should face my family. I don’t have to make sense to anyone, not even them. God knows New York is still Psycho analyzing me. Even my Tai chi teacher does it.😂 it’s ok tho. It’s kind of a fun game. Although, I’m feeling very sad today. It feels like I can’t ever truly be all that I am. I really don’t want to teach, I want to make films and advertisements and grand productions but I need money to do this. I watched a cartoon yesterday where 5 different people had an idea to build a fortress and instead of arguing about how to build 5 different fortresses, they created one big one using a piece of all their ideas. I guess this is what people are trying to get me to learn, perhaps. I still need money so I can buy things. I want a new bed. I wanna at least make my living space mine. I Anna be able to pay for my brother to come to the city and visit me. I think the gays are still trying to get me to just work Soley for them and that’s just not how I work. I build bridges not walls. I’m tired of people calling me because their concerned about how their money is being spent. Like my life, isn’t worth the cost. I do wish I could just get a job sometimes. People have their agendas and feel entitled to try and push me into it. I’m in my head today. Feeling like my life isn’t my own. Why I like to have my own money. It’s not really about having to pay my own bills, I don’t mind if someone else does that but I like having a sense of control. Maybe it is a trust thing. If someone else is controlling all my money, I can’t make decisions for myself and I feel trapped. This is why when working with other black performers they say, we have our own money. I don’t want someone telling me how to spend my money. I don’t need total control but I like buying things that enhance my creativity. I don’t want roommates, I like living alone but having people visit or friends next door are wonderful. I like nature but having access to the city whenever I want gives me a sense of freedom which is why I like living in Manhattan. Someone talked about ptsd and I probably do have that to an extent and maybe therapy will help but I get tired of feeling analyzed. The thing is, I’m not very understood by most people and I think I’m ok with that. I like feeling connected to gay culture, it’s so important me. More important than feeling connected to American black culture. I don’t like moving unless I have the option to recreate my space completely. Doesn’t mean I won’t take things with me but it helps if I can feel the space before I live there. I still don’t understand under earning. I do think it comes from a very white perspective which is not a judgement, just an observation. If I had 5k? A month? For what, to spend? Pay off debt, take a vacation? Let’s say, I was debt free. I would start with making my home exactly the way I wanted. I spend so much time there, or I’d want to. So I’d get the Japanese floor bed I’ve been wanting, the hammock/sling. Bonsai tree. Finish creating my cascading umbrella waterfall. Install a digital projection for tv and laptop. Buy a new iPhone and iPad and maybe get a puppy and a new speaker for music. Audio and lighting equipment if I had enough. I received a wireless router this week and started to set it up but then I called the building and asked if it would be attached to my rent. I haven’t set it up because I don’t want to receive a bill in the mail to have to pay for it. I wasn’t given clear instruction on how to use it so I do nothing because, I already am not making enough money or am overspending the money I do have. Clarity, In siuations like this help. I also don’t want to worry about it being shut off because the powers that be think I’m watching to much porn or tv or something. My creativity comes from different sources and I need to be able to explore that. If I can feel safe with that freedom then I remain open and honest in meetings. I don’t want to relapse. Truthfully! I believe that the past few years of paying a portion of my bills and credit helps give a person a sense of responsibility so if and when a time does come where they don’t have to they don’t take it for granted. I want to focus more on my creativity and having less stress from other things is helpful. I’ve been wanting to figure out who I am and be ok with that while also trying to heal my relationship to my biological family but that doesn’t seem to be possible. I told my parents, I wanted to come back to the house in a few weeks or month and contacted my dad about talking and he responded that it isn’t a good time, I bring too much confusion to the house. I have to say, I don’t cry very often but that did it. I’ve not felt this alone before. Even when I ran away. Am I the problem? I had some of the best experiences with my younger siblings that I’d ever had in my life and is that now gone? So where do I belong? The thing about pain is it becomes fuel to Grow stronger. Keep going. Do better. Learn lessons. I felt the pain. I sat with it. Now we must find our center, rebalance and move forward. That’s what the smiths do. Now, with the added practice of mindfulness.
Day 32

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