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Day 28
This is going to be a very honest post. What it feels like to be black in america. When I was in college, I had a roommate who was a single child and he acted like it. I couldn’t afford internet, so when he would leave the room I would borrow his knowing it didn’t raise the cost of it at all. When he returned, I’d give it right back. He would yell at me for using the internet that he was paying for. In his mind, he’s paying for it so he should be the only one using it and I’m like well, if you’re paying for it shouldn’t you want it to get the most use? He was incredibly selfish, he was always used to getting the spotlight and when he didn’t, threw a tantrum. It was strange, cause I having never been without a sibling, not even for a moment don’t know what that is. Well, I’ll say Juilliard was the first time I ever got to experience being alone. I liked it and even tho I didn’t have much, it never bothered me to share. The one thing I was always adamant about was the quality of my work. Anyone who has worked with me knows how much I care about my craft. Is it always stellar? No. But I never give up. Sometimes, it feels like white people are that single child. Always needing the spotlight and if they don’t have it they throw a tantrum. I don’t know what is the driving force behind the black killings in this country. Straight racism? The one percent of wealthy whites who don’t have the attention anymore and are having to share? This all could be made up in my head but it’s a reality for me. It’s a question, I hate that I question. I see all the posters of white cops and people kneeling with us and I’m grateful. Sometimes it looks like, they’re kneeling for us and I can only speak for myself, outside of the right sexual role playing scenario, that isn’t what I want. I don’t think it’s what most of us want. I think we just want equality. The same privileges that the single child has gotten for so long. And America is the parent that has just had more children. I’m not a parent and at the same time, I am. What I’ve learned through my experience is that every child is different and their needs are different and parenting is hard. Sometimes you give more attention to one child because of something that you see that needs to be addressed while the other child can take that on as some kind of neglect. Being the oldest, I sacrificed a lot of my needs so the other child could get theres or I stepped up to fill in for the spot of the missing parent. So when I get moments to myself, I can indulge. I say this to this day. Parents are just children raising children. So, I get it. In a crisis, I start putting out fires first and then when things calm down, I have a moment to figure out what it is I’m actually feeling.

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