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My sponsor gave me the task to sit with myself for a couple of hours and see what came up. I woke up incredibly horny this morning, and I sat with it. I played some meditation music but didn’t meditate and I started writing. I have been working on my vision board. He also expressed some really great words of wisdom. When it comes to my sexuality and preferences, “it’s none of your business, don’t ask me again.” I went to the queer liberation march yesterday and danced with some incredible people. Ran into people I met at stone wall during my first singing competition. Met new drag queens, trans women, vogued with beautiful chocolate men, grinded on some lovely lesbians and just enjoyed life to the fullest. All while wearing a mask. The thing I noticed, it took a while for people to feel comfortable or safe enough to express themselves through movement. I worked my way around the audience trying to inspire people to celebrate. Cause life is a celebration. I met the most wonderful woman, Felicia. She was her own being, a true goddess. I could see it all over from head to toe. After the rain drove everyone off the streets. She and I ended up on the subway home and had the most wonderful conversation. She saw me. I saw her and we didn’t judge one another. I felt like she knew what it is like to be different. To be seen as ones self and she made the choice to be authentic and it was glorious. Im not broken, I’m not an addict. I’m an extraordinary being. People fear and judge what they don’t understand. I’m not complying to their fears any longer. I’m going live my life as I want and that doesn’t mean reckless or thoughtless it just means not within the limitations you have decided to set for yourself. I just read that broadway won’t open until January. That’s unfortunate. Somehow, in the classist society, we have still created walls and barriers. It’s funny cause broadway had some of the cruelest human beings I’ve ever met but they were worshiped and idolized. I found real people outside of broadway. I found unconditional love outside of these esteemed constructs. I found other cracked vases that had been put back together with melted gold. When I return to broadway, it will be a better experience. I’m going to spread love like I always have. I’ll continue to do the work that I started as well. I still don’t understand this me back them mentality. We are all one and if nothing else can prove that, a virus can. Cause it doesn’t matter, what color, gender, or social status you are. At the end of the day, everyone is affected. Interestingly enough, I saw many of the “hot guys” who would sneak around on their partners still relying on being the hot guys at the parade. They were standing in their clicks, afraid to acknowledge that they knew me because of their images. I didnt need their acknowledgement. The truth is, I felt sorry for them because they will never know or experience true freedom. The theater and television are places where people can find freedom but when you can live that anywhere you go, then you are truly free. Perhaps I move to quickly for the world. It seems like the industry has a way of moving but by the time their ready, I feel like I’ve shed another layer. It’s time to become more of myself. A different aspect. I don’t understand myself either. I am something different. But everything is happening for a reason. What is that reason tho? And why this way?
Day 55

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