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I’ve been thinking a lot about this paranoia idea. I can believe it. To be honest, it always feels like people often get close to me because I’ll say something really creative. I know it has happened, like a lot. It happened all the time in background. I guess I was making the rich richer. It’s probably also why black people were getting angry with me because I could have been using my talents to help them. I think sometimes people think it’s intentional. I just create when I’m happy or when I follow my desires. I guess not always when I’m happy tho. Now I have to teach but the funny thing is, as I’m creating a fitness class, I still see the individual needs. I gather I’m going to have to separate people into groups. One of the guys I worked with in Epic will be coming tomorrow. As far as I know, he wants to perform on broadway, so I’ve started designing a workout routine that will require him to sing while training. The movement and the musicality go hand in hand. Even when I can’t play music, I have to create it. I guess, I can teach however and whatever I want. It doesn’t have to be consistent. That’s not what I do. Things will overlap but I enjoy challenging the body to discover new things. It would be more fun if I found someone like minded. The closest has been my brother but he’s in jersey and I don’t see him much anymore. I’m learning to detach from caring about people so much. Or maybe that’s the wrong word. I just don’t want to be the person who has to solve everyone’s problems anymore. I just want to create. But what I do, seems to only make sense to me, so far. Maybe I should just start charging a fee every time someone talks to me since I am so full of ideas. It saddens me that people aren’t genuinely kind. Even tho I was taken advantage of in BG, people were kind. For those moments on set, everyone slowed down and remembered what being on this planet is all about. Maybe this is partly why I don’t want to go back to Epic. They never slow down or take breaks. This idea of flattening the curve is so immediate. It feels like the next production has to be better than the last. There are deadlines and time restrictions. People aren’t discovering. Even now, as the world is supposedly falling apart, the urgency to have to make something happen online, to find a source of income. Is it even worth it. The world will heal itself again, things will resume but it also feels like everyone is in a hurry for it to go back to the chaotic speed driven, stress making mess it was before. The thing about this time is, I haven’t been able to pay some bills, I have access to less stuff and I might actually be happier for it. I go outside more, take longer walks. I’ve been observing people, listening to interesting conversations. Talking to my brother. I’ve even tried dating-ish. I’m rather odd to most men. In UA there’s such a pressure to stay solvent cause it’s a “disease” but I can’t help but wonder if the flip side is any different. Is it setting the expectation that I’m never supposed to loose solvency? I mean, I’m glad I’m not stressing about it cause I’d be loosing my mind right now. I remember talking to an older gentlemen out at a bar one night and he said he had periods where he had lots of money and periods where he had none and it’s just apart of life. But he kept living and just enjoyed the journey. It takes money to make money, I don’t have a lot of money. Definitely not enough to pay all my bills but what has been nice is not having to worry about food or rent during this time. When I go outside and see the people who aren’t worried about it either, there is a sense of peace about it. There will be plenty of time to work. I’ll still keep taking little steps forward but what good has stress ever done? Nothing. I’m tired of being stressed out, it’s no longer how I want to live my life and I want to vibe with those people so I’ll just keep taking actions and let go of the results because it doesn’t need to look like anything. Today was a lovely day. I went to the pier and connected with some wonderful black and brown people but it was a mix of everyone down there. A bunch of us were working out, doing pull ups and push ups and dips. Latin, black, white gay, straight and it felt like a real community but the best part was, I got to be myself unapologetically. I know everyone thinks I’m afraid of black people but it’s not true. I enjoy my people when I’m not being judged or preached at or told I’m not who I am. I feel whole and I still have a thing for white daddies. I still love the eagle. I still want to explore other cultures. I can help my people with their businesses as well. Or we can work on creating one. I still do dream of going back to broadway and doing more television. I do wanna play drag roles and continue exploring leather. I went to the leatherman nyc store and had the best conversation with the front desk guy. It was beautiful being in the village and seeing all the gays celebrating pride. It felt like the New York I once knew. Davide hasn’t text me back but that’s ok. Maybe he wasn’t really into me. I’m a lot to handle. I know this. His mind intrigued me, as well as his work. I would have loved to have gotten to experience more of him. What I’ve been wanting, searching for, is acceptance. Unconditional. I’m ready to create again. I’m ready to let people in. I’m ready to work the steps. I’m ready to become the person I was always hiding. I don’t know how it’s going to look but I’m suddenly not worried any longer.
Day 48

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