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6.18.20
My acting teacher says we are shaman and I never really understood what he meant until now. Or am at least starting to grasp it. That man has more insight than anyone I’ve met and he disguises it well. Rightfully so, this world wouldn’t understand it. I’m the artist way, there is an affirmation that says my creativity heals myself and others. It is why I’m here. I story tell through my creativity, dance, acting, singing, now film making. But while I do it, I create a way for it to be done because I have to create. I’m used to creating out of deprivation but I believe that’s about to change. Or perhaps it was simply from the need of having to have access to creativity at all times. I meant it when I said I can’t ask someone for permission to create by writing grants. I would lose my mind. I said something yesterday that has been sitting in my thoughts, dance was how I survived and feeling forced to teach it feels like abuse. But I don’t think this just refers to my childhood, I believe it’s goes much farther back than that. It’s generational. My father wanted to dance, perhaps it was his way of trying to enact this ancient healing ritual but he never had the chance. Perhaps the key for him is still in dance, like it is for many others. Perhaps, this is why I’m often told to teach it, but I don’t like teaching it. Dance should be a shared experience. A celebration, like a party. That’s when I and perhaps we feel most free. I think I’m starting to understand this whole meeting thing. It’s not necessarily about the work. Maybe, the writing helps activate something but I also think it’s energetic. Simply being there enacts something. The morning pages allow for it to flow. The warrior/leatherman is my super hero. I believe he is also a past life who has fought this battle many times. That woman I met, she said dance was a form of fighting and I don’t think it coincidence that vogue has battles. Perhaps, these are in the spiritual realm. I’m reading one of the most riveting stories I’ve ever laid eyes on and I can’t help but think, this is this persons form of expression, it’s just in written form and we the shaman, interpret it. If I’m a director, do I appoint positions? I think that’s what I’ve been doing. I wonder if A$ gets upset when I start teaching acting or perhaps he just guides me back, like my voice teacher. They are my guides. It’s why I’ve always worked with her. Davide is going to teach me something very important, I believe. Or we will teach each other. Either way, I’m very excited for this next chapter. I have a crush. When you e spent so much time around people who shame their desires it becomes hard to just be ok with the fact that it’s ok to like someone. People here seem to label things a lot. I’ve had a conversation to myself about how I perceive the world. I’m an artist and my job is to study human behavior, particularly gay men. It’s kind of like Tom of Finland. He observed gay culture and turned it into his own version of art. I observe my culture the way I observe it. No judgements, no explanations needed. I’m finding my tribe. My people and place. I’m ok. I can be myself and it’s wonderful. I feel like there is so much more to learn. That’s exciting. I realize, I can put up a lot of resistance. I think it’s me trying to understand something or maybe figure out what I’m trying to communicate. Maybe a big part of all of this is just trying to be heard for what I’m actually saying. And when that happens or starts to happen, I want to share vs feeling obligated. I’m also learning to find the balance of how often I share and when to share what so i don’t harm myself emotionally, or physically. The truth is, I do know a lot of things but I am still a man. As Emilie Sandie put it, an extra ordinary being. Like glitter daddy said, I guess I can have as many daddy’s as I need. They each teach me something. And I teach them, I think.
Day 43

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