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I woke up with a song on my heart. It’s the music. I always find my inspiration, my hope and light through music. When I have nothing. When I feel like I have nothing, I have music. It’s why I have to sing. I see the trauma I have a round singing. It flairs up especially when a black male authority figure criticizes it. I have issues with authority in general. It’s not that I won’t listen, it just helps when I’ve been heard first. I appreciate Mel. I saw myself when I was speaking to her and I believe she saw the anger and maybe even misguided rage and actions but she just listened. She didn’t criticize or condemn, she heard what I was saying and actually even supported it. She allowed me to come to my own conclusions. I don’t know if this was intentional but I think so. Is this what being black in America is? Having felt unheard my entire life when it comes to what I want and how I want to live my life? No wonder I act out. Dance is my acting out. Sometimes. I know it’s safe. It has saved me my entire life and when I don’t feel safe, I begin using it like a warrior. Sometimes, now, it’s being used more for my creativity and for health and my happiness. Perhaps this is why I’m so hesitant to teach. It’s precious and like sex, if I monetize it, I’ll feel obligated to have to do it to make a living when I just want to enjoy doing it. Maybe that’s why singing is easier. It’s still new. I have so much to learn as a singer and I learn while I’m teaching. But that too can be difficult to teach mainly for finding students and not over whelming myself. I really miss performing. As complicated as it was, I now have other things to feed my soul and I want to do it as an actor singer this time cause that’s still exciting. I can sing, it doesn’t matter if people think I’m a better dancer than singer. I get to decide how I want to use my talent and that’s what I’m going to do. If I can’t be a singer on broadway, then I’ll go sing somewhere else. There are plenty of shows out there. Just dancing is too loaded. I need to merge all parts of myself. That’s what this has been about this whole time. I need to be whole. I love learning. I really cherish the morning with my Tai chi teacher, I realize it’s a lot harder to practice everything alone. Am I a dying breed? It’s funny, I used to go to the gym and practice stuff by myself all the time but I guess there were other people around which made it less lonesome. It’s the same with piano. I miss my teacher. Learning through a device is still so numbing. Tai chi has cut down to once a week because my teacher has a life and I understand that. He has a great eye for detail and I really admire that. I’ll find a way to keep practicing. I’m missing something. I thought this was supposed to be fun but being a celebrity or director or whatever I am is more like being a slave. I understand why great stars kill themselves. I don’t plan on doing that cause I love myself too much. The problem with being me is there really doesn’t exist a place for me. Maybe I should try Hollywood but to be honest I can’t imagine not running into the same problem there. It honestly feels like the more I become myself, the more fear and insecurity in met with. Cause people don’t understand me. Am I supposed to get a job, doing what? Run a company? I don’t know. Dance is becoming some thing I have to do again and not something I love. This industry it makes no sense. Would I do a commercial, sure. I did one already and it was magical. Still never came out. Don’t know what’s up with that. I’m a creative. That’s what I am. I can’t separate it from me and I guess everyone is supposed to be. But can everyone still be? I can’t pay any of my bills right now. I have some money but my bank isn’t even open. Hasn’t been since this whole pandemic and I can’t deposit cash virtually. I miss broadway so much. Now that I’ve found a new passion i don’t really care what show I’m in, except Book of Mormon. I don’t want to do that show. But to be around other artists like me. But I guess it had to happen this way. Am I going to end up like that woman from memoirs of a geisha. Working on a farm somewhere because the world no longer needs me? I used to thrive on uncertainty but this is a lot. That feels better. I don’t think understand this idea of not creating, even if it isn’t perfect even if its a little, I’m one step closer to my dreams
Day 42

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