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Am I always going to be seen as a mental illness. I was practicing a character last night and it was fun. It was great channeling the feelings the language, the movement of this person. It amazes me how much we have forgotten this gift. Or maybe it hasn’t been forgotten, is it feared? I think we often relegate the actor to a mentally unstable being and I guess rightfully so. I was made to act in this society. Still am. Made to fit into the structure of a system that wasn’t made for me so I learned to how to exist with in it. And now that I’ve found something that makes sense, I feel like I can’t be it sometimes. The interesting truth. I would love a Patreon page but for my creativity. The guy I followed makes videos and stuff in tech. My sexuality, I want to explore it but not get paid for it. I feel that’ll make it obligatory and sexuality is fluid. If I’m pinned into having to rely on it as my source of income when I’m not in the mood to express myself that way, then that becomes abuse. I have to admit, I hate this online platform of everything cause as free as I am, I do understand the repercussions it could have for my younger siblings if something were recorded. Trust me, I hate that I have to live in a world that demonizes sexuality in such a way. I understand why some abandon what they once knew to find freedom in who they are. This idea that sobriety means abstinence is still profound to me. I haven’t had sex in at least 90 days and I still find attractive what I find attractive but the funny thing is now it’s deemed as internal racism or an Aca issue. I’m not saying I don’t have childhood trauma, I accept that fact but the mind is far more capable than we give it credit to just denounce everything to a traumatic experience. I’m only beginning to understand how receptive we are to information and energy. I still enjoy leather men. And in doing so, I will create to help explain what it is I see. This is why I write. So everyone isn’t offended by everything I say. I have a theory. I think we can choose to be offended or take the harder route and question. Everything is information. I understand how people get me to sing. It’s funny cause y’all know just what buttons to push. 😉 I accept that challenge but I’m also hugely grateful for the support. Thank you. The truth is, there’s so much more creativity for me to share. We’ve only just begun to tap the surface. I’m watching this business webinar and i don’t know how to do this. Am I in the wrong place? I have to go create. What’s going to happen to me? I can’t stop creating. And I can’t get paid to create. It feels like I’m not valuable. I hate this world I live in. It’s like a curse. I have had this piece inside my head for 2 years and it’s not done yet. It’s much bigger than this. I saw a full production but I’m the artist who can’t stop creating. It’s like I can feel something greater pushing me forward. It’s very unfair. I wish the city were back to normal so I could just go back to broadway or Ailey or something and just be among other artist. I miss back ground. That was where I truly belonged. I was poor but I was happy. Tomorrow, I will create the final two segments of my piece. I’m not angry. It’s just how it came to me. I want to make films so I have to just make them. It’s never been about being right, it’s always been about just creating. I like for it to be good but that’s not why I do it. It’s fulfilling and it’s mine. It doesn’t mean I won’t work with other people. This is just something that I do for me.
Day 40

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