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Day 39
I can’t remember who said it but I saw a quote once that said, if you wanna be rich, never go to meetings. That resonates so much with me, today. I swear, I’ve been trying to figure out this UA thing but it just feels like criticism. This idea of just blindly doing things because I’m told bothers me. Why can’t someone explain it. Give it some context. It may help me remember or see why it’s necessary. But I guess that’ll be seen as resistance as well. I really dislike micromanaging. That’s what it feels like. Is there a greater purpose, I wonder? I like Mel, she and I had a nice conversation last night. She really seems to listen. She’s very sweet. Oh yea, she sent me some information to read. I have to look at that. What is acting out in underearning? So, I had a meeting with a new sponsor for UA and it was interesting. Very good information on both ends. We both shared the commonality that we are non linear thinkers living in a linear society, designed by white people and what is so frustrating about that is how we are forced to exist in a society not designed for us. Now, I’m a huge advocate for co-existing and believe it is possible. But I have to speak my mind when something is present. The idea that underearning stems from the place of only lacking money is a very one sided notion. I believe that there has to be a balance of creativity and money. For me, creativity takes presidence. I have to create. In all aspects. What I will learn is to give what I’m being paid to teach and nothing further. It’s a heart conclusion and one I believe ultimately produces a certain level of mediocrity but that isn’t necessarily my job to point out depending on the project. With the advent of social media, I can find fulfillment and growth on my own terms. Something else that was mentioned. Yes, dance is the thing I’ve spent the most time doing, so I am further along in my progress with it but I don’t believe it is my greatest talent. It’s just been given the most time. As is anything, hours spent yields results. I don’t need everyone to like my singing, or acting or dancing, I’ll just go to the places where they do. I have seen so many singers who aren’t great but they have found their audiences who will follow them when they do and depending on what I feel like doing, will determine the job I take. Some, will be for money, others will be for my soul because I am a non linear thinker living in a linear thinking white world. Not a judgement, just an observation. I’ve learned to not rage but to write and in doing so hopefully there can be understanding and learning. He did say something very important. Find people who are teachable. Perhaps I’ve just been around the wrong people. Perhaps, I judged to quickly. Perhaps this is a teachable moment. I’m sorry but capitalistic mindsets really piss me off. I’ve heard so often that just maybe the reason I’m here is to change the world. We aren’t meant to be slaves to anything. Life should be about experiences and that’s what I’m going to do. Money will come. But I can’t go back to what this country once was. So what if I’m a great dancer, singing brings me so much joy! And my Goal in life is to be happy. So, to start a Patreon page? I was under the illusion I could use it for my art. That people would actually be interested in everything I create. I don’t want that to be one thing either. It’s funny, I could post body shots and videos for free but to get paid for it feels rather odd. I guess that’s an underearning thing. I wouldn’t dare judge anyone else for doing it. So why does it bother me? I guess knowing makes it strange. I’m guessing people don’t really care about art, do they. If I had to rely on that for my income long term, I’d go insane. Is that what this whole thing has been? Is this what everyone was warning me about? God, I must be naive. I was really interested in sex from a learning perspective. I enjoy it when it’s educational and I wanted other people to just be happy in their own skin. And fee of judgement.
6.14.20

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