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Some days I just need to be left alone and create. This is one of those days. I still don’t understand what my role is in all this. I wanted to be a director, I guess I should have been more specific. I’m angry at the world. I’m angry at the people who’ve taken advantage of me. Cause I’m these moments, I truly feel by myself. What’s that saying, you come into this world alone and and you die alone. What the fuck is wrong with the world that it’s gotten to such a place. Exciting times? I don’t think so. I’m tired of being the leader, the practical thinker. The creative with no money. I think I need a long break from social media to find my happiness again. This is exactly why I hate things related to business. Every time someone turns anything into a business, it’s ruined by consumer demand. People just take and take or you have to give in order to get. Because I was here first? This is old. Whatever it is. I used to love New York but im seeing it for what it truly is. No wonder people are so jaded. They’ve shoved a bunch of sardines in a can without enough water. And a machine that demands robotic results from people. This isn’t a factory. I wish people would stop treating it as such. That mentality is so antiquated. I hate expectations. Nothing angers me more. My father might have been right. I may end up just doing everything on my own. People need order and rigid structure to get things done. Maybe it offers a sense of safety. I go with the flow and trying to monetize that, well, People fear what they don’t understand. Or they want to understand it so they manipulate and deprive you get what they want. It’s a wicked world and I’m fed up with it. I’m looking for answers. This doesn’t make sense. I’m looking at other ad agencies and they cater to a niche but what about me? I create with what I’m given. Is that the problem? I just want to work and get paid well for what I do? It feels unfair to have to be smaller than I am. I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to be less creative and I’m in artist in a world that isn’t ready for me so where do I go? How do I survive? How do I stay happy. This isolation isn’t good. I hate this quarantine. I would give anything to be on a set again or stage. How can I go into business for myself? What am I supposed to do?
Day 38
6.13.20

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