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Yesterday, I went to an Meet up class on Andy Warhol. The interesting thing about it was, it felt like I was supposed to know more about him than I did. This is common in many spaces where there are predominantly white people but as a person of color. This also happens in black spaces but to other black people. That’s interesting. If a white person were to walk into a black space not knowing anything about black culture that would be expected but it often seems the opposite for people of color in white spaces. And then black people can shame you for not knowing black things but that’s another story. I’ve done that before. The thing that was interesting about yesterday is the amount of knowledge and being able to relate to many things about Andy but it did feel strange how he much he was praised. Maybe this coming from the place of not really knowing any of his contributions. Everyone knows Michael Jackson. I’m not saying that Andy’s contributions weren’t great, I just don’t know enough about him and would have loved to learn that aspect. This is one of the things that I am deterred by when it comes to working or talking to people with money. Not to say they are all like this but sometimes the idea of knowing someone who is revolutionary or “great” seems more important than what they are doing or did. I really liked that Andy just wanted to create for the sake of creating. It was mentioned that he did enjoy receiving attention which, I think is normal for any artist or human, really but it wasn’t what drove him. I’d like to think that’s the place I come from. I was inspired yesterday. After hearing about his approach I wanted to sing and rework some of my monologues and I pulled out guess who’s coming to dinner and while running it, the idea to put on a wig and do it as a man questioning his sexual identity, came to me. It was so fun to transform that role and make it fit the present. These are the things that excite me about acting. Not who knows who. No offense, if that’s what does it for others, more power to them but I’m not driven by that. It’s the constant investigating, seeking knowledge, exploring and creating something that has never been done before that is so intriguing. It felt strange to play this role. I have always been very good at drag. Had a natural talent for it. Oddly enough, I wasn’t very shamed in black spaces for doing it, I had to learn how to dance like a man as well tho. My mother told me once that my father said something one time and she told him to never bother me again and he didn’t, until he found out I was gay and things changed drastically after that. I remember the biggest hurt was when he didn’t come to my broadway show. I believe it was because I was in drag and after that I took a break from doing roles like that for several reasons, 1 being, y’all know how much I love boxes...and I really didn’t want to be the actor who only does drag roles but I also think there was a part of me that wanted my fathers acceptance. I’ve learned to let that go cause the truth is, I want to be an actor and this, is in my wheel house so it’s time to use it. And I do it like no one else and that’s why it’s fun. One of my childhood friends died, Mykal Laury. I have to say it is strange. We weren’t terribly close after high school but we did dance together. Shared some fun moments. I remember him being one of the first gay friends I had but we had a little falling out. It really makes me start to think about my mortality. Is this going to start being the new norm. More people leaving my life than entering? Is this why people teach? Perhaps. I wish someone would explain what it is I’m doing wrong. Everyone talks about more abundance and money out there but where is it? How do I get it? I don’t get this world and the divides that business puts on things. I just want to create. I saw an app for a Patreon page that can monetize my following or at least some of my following but I don’t have any money to set one up. This is what’s so fucking frustrating. I have created and continue to create for people and still nothing. We are in a recession. There are riots and joblessness so why am I one who is so creative and under earning. Yes, having a home and good is a blessing but I’ve been here for 7 years now. When do I get to grow and experience abundance and wealth. Everyone keeps saying keep going, it’s coming. But I’m frustrated. I’m tired of being the voice of the people and helping everyone when I’m living the bare minimum. I don’t even ask for much. I should take a break. A real long break from everything. I’m not valued or respected for what I do. People wonder why I spend so much time alone. Cause people really only care about themselves and that’s heart breaking and I don’t wanna become one of those people. I don’t care about fame, I don’t care about power, I just want to be happy and free. And the world seems to ask me how dare I? I don’t think I’ve ever hurt anyone. I believe I’ve always encouraged people to join or participate but maybe that’s been misunderstood. I keep hearing more money is coming but it never comes. I’m an anomaly. It used to be fun but now it just seems like most people dislike me for it. Those who can’t create either own or destroy. That’s our president. This country sucks. I’m tired. I’m tired of being used. Maybe I am the problem. I can’t even get along with my family. I don’t or can’t belong to one group or business. It’s not how I’m wired. It isn’t some phycological disorder. It seems the world is curious about me and how I do what I do, it hasn’t been done before. I hate this job sometimes, I asked for it tho. Why is the world so against art. How can they not see that without art, innovation and change would never occur. Why am I subjected to one aspect or arena? Why am I the teacher? I never asked for this. I didn’t even ask to be a leader. I just wanted to create. And everything else came with it. At least give me stuff. How long have I wanted an iPad and new iPhone, my floor bed and hammock/sling. Bonsai tree. 7 years and I’ve barely been able to afford new clothes. People are unkind. They are. I have to make money this year. Maybe I will get a job at the grocery store. Finish my cascading umbrella fall. It would be fun to get a little tricking fountain to go next to my bonsai. I could do new photo shoots. With my projector, I could make fun videos. My father told me the world isn’t ready for me, so what the fuck am I supposed to do? This sounds terrible but I understand those kids that were looting. How I’m feeling right now, I can’t say, I wouldn’t have done the same thing. When I was a kid, I used to redecorate my room every couple of months so I could create something new. The house I grew up in had so much stuff.
Day 37

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