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Day 27
This week has been utterly exhausting. It appears, I have a lot of trauma around being black. I’ve hated what it means for me. The responsibility, the stigma. I don’t hate my blackness, I just hate being black in America. I honestly feel consumed by what media has made it seem like I should be and also what my community has made me feel for not being what they think I should be. For not having dated a black man, for not repping all things black, for no longer loving the black church. I just like what I like and I’m learning to enjoy that and just be. I really hate being micro managed. Every time I go on Instagram and it asks me to go live it feels like pressure. And it happens every time. Sometimes, I need to disconnect so I can receive what’s coming to me. This morning in my Tai chi class, I was experiencing some back pain and so was another woman. She sat down but I kept going and I couldn’t help but think that perhaps the back pain was something leaving my body. An old wound or trauma that needed to sift it’s way out. I wanted to tell her to keep going because I think this is a part of the process. The body healing itself. After a few more rounds, I felt better. I also hydrated which also helps. My Tai chi teacher says our bones are wood and our muscles are water. The bones move upward from the ground like trees and our muscles flow down like water from the sky. I then went and bought a bamboo and aloe plant. I don’t know what people want from me. I don’t like when things get in the way of my learning. Sometimes, I need to be in my art. I need to be in class I need to be creating. Sometimes, I need to devote energy to where ever I’m drawn. Am I supposed to talk about this live. Like why does everyone want me to always go live? I don’t get it.the pressure stifles my process. Sometimes I need to be alone to figure out what my body is saying. I need to be in class so I can continue growing. This gives me such anxiety. I hate that I don’t have more money coming in. It’s like y’all stress me to get to create when if you just let me be, everything will fall into place as it should. I’m in the gathering stage. I gather information from different sources and it looks random but it’ll come together in its own way when it’s supposed to. I feel like I’m supposed to write about the riots but I most of my writings haven’t happened that way. I mean the last few times on set, they did but I don’t feel like a writer, right now. I need to move. I’m complicated, I know. I can’t breathe. The city is filling up too quickly. Everything smells like fumes. My lungs are burning. NYc needs way more nature. I need more nature Why does everyone always over react when I look at porn? This is what bugs me about this country. Being black and gay. I left one egg shell life to just exist in another The idea of doing nothing. I hugged a tree today. My Tai chi master instructed me to do so after I expressed that I had been experiencing back pain and I think it was the Tai chi removing trauma from my body. It was so cathartic. And then I proceeded to pick up trash around the park. I love seeing nature clean. I love plants and animals. I joked, I’m fucking Cinderella. I fear relationships because so much of what brings me joy is the freedom to explore. My sexuality, my spirituality, physicality and I know my free mind or spirit has pushed people away from me and so, I stay single. I know I’m not in a sexual space right now, I’m ok with it but I get excited at the opportunity to co to us to explore it. You know that song from, a nightmare before Christmas, “Whats this? What’s this?” That’s basically my mind. I get excited at the thought of new things but scared when they involve other people sometimes because of what they might expect of me. This societal, you’re supposed to be this. And when I feel that , hear it. I get angry. I want to know I can always have the option wether I choose to do one thing or another. It helps to have people around who share my interests. I feel less alone that way. Like, Sandy he’s so sweet he’s like a daddy. Cute too, but he’s my manager. I don’t know what the rules are around that and hypothetically speaking if something romantic would happen, does this mean other daddies are off the table. Juan, is cute too and similar interests which I really enjoy and he seems very open minded. Would I hurt his feelings, also. I still have a fascination and curiosity with leather and bondage. I was Watching this guy on twitter who videos his bondage scenes. So many things I wanna try Id also really be into doing those things to guys. And then there’s my biological fam. I still want to have a relationship with them and keep growing that, especially with my younger siblings. Today is blackout Tuesday, where we black out social media and kinda rest from all the distractions in solidarity with the black lives that have been taken. It’s been kinda nice. I do enjoy connection and I have a war with myself because of the corporate and religious poisoning I have endured which is actually not as much as most. I sometimes think it’s my automatic defense mechanism. I like being connected to nature and the birds and the trees and experiencing the animalistic nature of sex when In that place. But perhaps I think too far ahead when it comes to what love should look like. I was in a really good place where I just let whatever happens happen and it was coming from the mind. It was when my spirit was deeply connected to nature. I’ve been in Central Park everyday. It’s like my first awakening. This job, is difficult to say the least. The best way I can describe it, is it’s like shuffling through a deck of cards waiting for something to catch your eye and in your other hand you almost have the perfect hand but you just need that one right card. I always say, don’t try to read my mind cause you honestly won’t know what I’m thinking. If I don’t respond, it’s probably because it isn’t the right fit and if I can give one example of being a leader, it’s don’t let silence ever stop you. I think we had the perfect example of that with the black lives matter movement. And some noise was made. I can get consumed or distracted. Sometimes one section needs more love than another but even when not expressed, that’s when I trust my team. And I haven’t thanked y’all enough. Thank you. I know I’m not the easiest person to work with all the time but this endeavor has pushed me to grow far more than I ever thought capable and I still have a long way to go. But I believe in this and I know when I haven’t or have gotten down my team has brought me back up. It started with a small theater company and look at where we all are now? Just know I’m always watching. Even today, I was in the park and saw dancers dancing and some of it good, some could use some work, so I started dancing a little bit and they stepped their dancing up and I saw them. I didn’t say anything cause like most people in the industry, I need to see you keep showing up. Don’t ever take no for an answer. Hate only breeds hate. Keep growing, even if it’s killing you. I’ve cried, ive been exhausted and angry and hurt but I just kept showing up and that is key. My father instilled in me, hard work will always best talent. But if you have both, even better.

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