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Day 58
I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Asking for help has and still remains a foreign concept. It’s like, one of those fundamental learning tools that I guess most people grow up with. It was not my experience. It’s literally, like, I don’t know what that is. But at the same time, I love how resourceful it has made me. Being resourceful is kinda my go to. It’s complicated because I get so much joy when I create something. I made a dance video yesterday to promote my ballet class. The truth is, I’m a great teacher. And I’m a great dancer, I know this and I have to be honest, I’m afraid it’s going to over power my singing and acting again. I know I have talent there and it’s growing. The amount of energy it takes to be the dancer I’m becoming again is immense and now I have to figure out how to memorize lines. The Bain of my existence. I saw a video on YouTube about how to remember stuff and the guy talked about how something in his past gave him a learning disability and he created a technique to help him memorize lines. Do I have a learning disability? It doesn’t feel like it. I also hate that term. I don’t like the idea of something being wrong with my mind. It fascinates me so much but I am starting to see how it gets me into trouble with relationships. Thats the hardest part. That I may actually be broken. But it’s not in the way I think I thought it was supposed to look. I had this impression that when I worked all this stuff out, I’d have to stop being me, creative and different, artistic, sexual that after I’ve done all this work, the desire to perform would somehow disappear, but that isn’t who I am. I love this stuff and I want to be the best I can be at it but god dammit it’s tough sometimes. I was learning a new song last night and granted it was really late and I was tired from dancing for most of the day and I have listened to that song many times But never really took in the intricacy of it. I want to get it perfect. Is that my perfectionism or just challenging myself to tackle something out of my comfort zone. I posted it in a chat with Bob cause I wanted to show him I was working but didn’t feel it was quite public ready. I think a part of me knows how much people admired my dance video that if I post anything of me singing that’s subpar right now, I’ll hear the, u should dance speech. This is all childhood trauma. I can see it and hear it as I type it. Maybe people will actually say, this guy is really Talented. He’s like Idris Elba, or something like that. I’m a little anxious about teaching. My experience is that you have to always be prepared and then people start depending on you and I just want to create in the moment. Like yesterday, I started teaching Yancy and I saw a lot of little things I could correct and we worked on what seem like fundamentals for me but when breaking them down, I realized how useful it was for me and him. I’m also a very hands on teacher which is why I think I hate teaching through a screen. Ballet is to technical and so nuanced and the attention to detail is one of the reasons I first fell in love with it. I have to say, I did get some fulfillment out of teaching yancy. He has a lot of potential and even at his age, a good body for dance. It also made me feel good about myself cause I might be a better dance than I think. I needed time to get back in shape. I think I’m going to do hamilton. It would be a real challenge because Lin is so word heavy and musical. I think it would help me grow. And I’d get to sing and act, not to mention, I’d hopefully get to work with the genius that is Lin Manuel Miranda. I hope. That would be dope. Asking for what I want is a foreign concept as well. When I expressed wanting to direct and then started working at epic, I thought, this is what I have, gotta make due. I learned a lot from that experience but I was getting frustrated because I thought it was my only option. I had no money and needed a job where I could create and perform as a singer. It fit a lot of needs, so I made it work. But even there, as soon as everyone found out what I knew dance wise, everything else started to become obsolete. And I started as an assistant musical director. Maybe that’s not so true. I wore many hats. I think I just wanted people I could really create movement on. But I did feel stuck. I often talk about how when I was at Juillaird, I had everything there. Great dancers, wardrobe, an amazing stage, studio space and then u leave and there’s is none of that available for a freelance artist. Trying to organize people in this city is a nightmare and being able to afford the space to do so... for get about it. That’s partly why I loved background. I had a set to play with, space to dance, and people. A lot of unmotivated people but there were a few gems in the bunch. I think it’s why, I miss broadway too. I miss the level of professionalism. Even if there were some elitist queeny bitches 😂. Maybe the city is trying to create that on sets for me too. I’d like that. I still wanna do broadway but to be surrounded by that caliber of performers but who also can remind me to have fun would be awesome. Like my girl, Tiffany and liz. Arnold, abesonites in general and other people I can’t remember. My head feels clear

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