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I’m really starting to come face to face with my so called character defects. I never fully understood what that meant. Talking with Davide, I realize I’m a little reactionary and how it can cause unnecessary drama. It’s uncomfortable. A little embarrassing as well cause I feel like I try so hard. I know I can be stubborn and maybe very misunderstood and I feel like I work so hard to be better. Maybe I’m not working hard enough? Last night, I met up with daddy Nick. It was so nice. He likes nice things but he’s what we would call salt of the earth kinda guy, comes from humble beginnings and has done very well for himself. It’s admirable. But what was even more admirable was seeing the genuine kind heart in that big daddy chest. Sometimes, I think people say things to test me. Lol. He was talking about the different celebrities that rent his house on fire island and the truth is, I could care less and what felt really good, was being able to say that to him. I wanted to see him, the unapologetic, raw, vulnerable, but strong mushy insides. Cause if all he had was his money and celebrity encounters...🤢 But there’s a good heart there. I hope to see more of it. I get scared when I like people cause I always think that I’m going to have to change. Maybe its a tape I keep playing in my head. I like feeling like I have the freedom to still like the things that I like. Check our some hot guys, explore new things, learn. But for the first time in a long time, I want to consider how it might make them feel. Not that I’ll change completely but might be willing to work on a compromise. The biggest thing I fear is loosing my ability to create. My ideas come from what I see, my interests and curiosities and as much as I am ready for love, I don’t want that to be taken away from me. But I’m trying to trust that the universe is giving me exactly what I need. So, I’ll go with the flow. As Emile Sandé says, “you deserve all the love, why don’t you let it in?”
Day 57

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