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So yesterday was interesting. I went to an acoa meeting. My first, and something interesting was said, one guy talked about how he was taught to always see the positive side of things and that it’s ok for things to not be ok. I think somehow, is this what people are trying to get me to do? I think people think I’m not in touch with my feelings. That I walk around masquerading a false happiness. That isn’t true. I feel, I acknowledge them but I don’t believe one has to live there. I believe you can experience the pain in life but that there is usually good with the pain, people just focus on the pain more. I am an optimist. Two days ago, davide told me he tested negative for covid and that he’d like to maintain social distancing, I got upset. It reminded of being hiv positive and trying to date negative guys. I deleted his number so I wouldn’t further hurt myself. I was aware of why. But what I did different this time was after a day, I spoke to him and shared my feelings about the whole situation. I also realized that i actually am who I am. I’ve been made to feel like there is something wrong with me because of the way I like to enjoy sex, like I’m some kind of perverted person. Like sex is criminal. But then I met John, and he accepted me for who I am. I met davide, a guy around my age, who appeared to have similar interests as me and that made me happy. I had forgotten what it felt like to really have a crush on someone. I get excited and I came on a little strong, understandable. But then I sit in a room where that would be called a romantic obsession or some other clinical bs that we have designated as normal human behavior. Now, Davide expresses that we want different things and that’s cool. I respect him communicating and being honest, so I left him alone and put the ball in his court. He can reach out if he wants to. Am I supposed to be heart broken over this? I only knew the guy for two weeks. What he did do, is remind me of what it was like to like someone like that, cause it had been a while. I was excited at the prospect of having found a daddy and a someone to grow with. I was able to be fully honest with someone about who I am. That’s freedom, and feels like love. I did another thing, I went on a chat line and started masturbating. And after I left. I wanted so hard to feel bad about it. The truth, I didn’t. I haven’t had sex in months. Am I craving some kind of sexual male connection, absolutely. Was I scared, terrified! If something like that got recorded or my brother and sister saw, it would really suck. But at the end of the day, I would just apologize to them and keep it pushing. Maybe I would be harder on myself it I had other options but the reality is, I don’t right now. All of my sexual partners are unavailable, I’m single and masturbation well, it’s getting old. And Amaker did something a little risky. Are we surprised? I don’t belong in these corporate settings. I will never think, or adopt this mindset. I don’t hate myself, I’m not ashamed of who I am or the difficulties I’ve had in life because they have made me this person. Is there more work to do, of course. But I’m not happy because I’m escaping, I don’t create out of fear or because I don’t experience this reality. Reality is what you make it cause guess what, there is just some shit, you can’t do shit about. So, might as well have fun. Now, if we wanna talk about feelings, I don’t want to be a teacher. I want to perform and create. I love it. It’s where I belong. I am actual actor, not some mentally ill person pretending. The pretending, has been all the things I used as a cover to who I really am. It’s why, I am going back to broadway cause everything I do outside in “real world” I’m made to feel bad about when the reality is, I think people have forgotten who they are and the joy it is to have that inner child and that imagination. Some people see it, like Bob Russo, and my voice teacher. Even epic saw it and the people from tv land. And even if I were escaping to my own reality, why does it matter? I have hope. It’s apart of who I am. I think you can choose to be depressed or let all the things that have happened to you be your greatest lessons and strengths. And if broadway doesn’t work out, I’ll leave. I don’t know where I’ll go but I’ll be alright.
Day 56

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