The sound of most people praying bothers me. Well, more perhaps black church folk or places that resemble an evangelical setting. Like even when I see white churches but there is this almost desperation in their voice about God and how he has changed their lives. It can sound like a born again Christian who has found Jesus for the first time and every other word out of their mouth is Jesus. I’ve seen this in recovery as well. Is it the human condition for when people have found a source of faith that has “saved” them during a particularly difficult time in their life to claim it as the truth or the way? I have a friend who just says he spiritual, not claiming to belong to any one thing really. The idea of that seems to be growing on me more and more. It feels safe and less dramatic. I think as I get older, I am drawn to things that bring me more peace. Like gardening and nature but at the same time I still get excited about exploring the leather scene.😂 I’ve met some of the kindest men there and the respect and genuine care they have for one another really surprised me. But back to prayer. I was on set once and did a family scene where we prayed and it didn’t bother me. In fact, it was fun. Something about it being on set took away the seriousness. I think prayer has been permanently attached to my brain as this life or death type situation in which God has to fix me or it was the only way God would communicate with me. And if I didn’t pray in tongues and end in Jesus name it wasn’t valid. I remember when Anna Marie Horsford prayed, it seemed comical but not in the way she was making fun of it. It just wasn’t about life or death it felt more like gratitude for having her family around her. She looked up at us, in the eye and thanked God for this moment. It didn’t feel like, asking for his permission to be acknowledged as prayer often does but just we are here together, and this is something that we do. I guess, it just wasn’t that serious. I think it’s partly why I enjoy meditation... it’s quiet. The vibrations of the music are also calming. I see this meme a lot on fb that says something like people who get goosebumps from music are special. I don’t know how true that is cause I always thought everyone gets chills when they hear music but maybe they don’t? Different vibrations in music do affect me, I’m starting to realize. Like when I listen to gospel or movie score music, I get motivated. I often wonder if there is a spiritual or ritualistic element to the music you listen to as well. Like, this song I’m listening to for a piece I’m choreographing is called gates of Valhalla and it makes me feel like a warrior. I’m also choreographing with my bo staff which doesn’t seem entirely coincidental. Is there a deeper meaning behind the kinds of music we listen to? I mean, I’m sure to some extent. Yesterday, I talked about how music has similar rhythmic patterns across different genres, specifically ,Gospel and movie score music. Is that perhaps this notion that all American music as is said, derived from black culture or does it go further than that? Is there perhaps one source of music that has split up into different genres, kind of like humanity? I often go back to the story of Noah and how after the flood his family split to different parts of the world and started repopulating, according to my understanding of his story. Could music have had the same origin? Part 2 My father is the most talked about man in our house. Yet, despite what everyone thinks or says, he gets up and keeps going. Maybe we are more alike than, not. He may never apologies, we may never have that “talk” but maybe I don’t need it. Like I said in my post a few days ago. Learn to take what’s being offered and go else where for the rest.
Morning pages day 2

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