I know this is supposed to be a private thing but sometimes when I write people seem to understand me better or perhaps I’m more clear about what I actually want to say.
I think I’m extremely sensitive to sound. I understand why and don’t wish to go into to further detail. Sometimes the frequency of a persons voice or the pattern in which they speak can be irritating. And I don’t mean this as a criticism, it’s just how it’s heard. I seem to often offend people with my words so I learn to just be quiet until I can learn how to better communicate. Sometimes I prefer one on one interactions especially in therapy type settings because I feel that people often like to share their opinions instead of actually listening to what it is I’m saying. This happened on the street once with a woman I had a conversation with. I said several times, I don’t like teaching because it’s isolating and she then went on to recommend that I become a teacher several times before she caught herself and said, you just said why you don’t like teaching and I completely disregarded that. It was a beautiful moment in which I felt heard. She even acknowledged it. I feel that a lot of people are used to just doing things because that’s what they should do but I’ve never been able to be that person. Perhaps it does make me co dependent but I don’t know how to stop. I want to be a film maker. It’s the thing that drives and inspires me every morning. My greatest joy has been to be on sets. I get excited at the idea of getting a new iPhone because of its camera and the wonderfully sharp new pictures I can capture. But when I say filmmaker I don’t just mean a person behind the camera. I want to be as many different parts of the film as possible, not always all at once. There seems to always be this notion of having to choose a side or one thing thrown in front of me but that isn’t who I am. And perhaps I’m the first at whatever it is I’m doing. It’s frustrating cause what it feels like is no one understands you.
Music, is something I like to think I understand. Religion is something I don’t. How can they be so different while saying the same thing? I look at it like music. If you ever listen to gospel music and movie scores, they kinda do the same thing. The progressions, that inspirational feel and then they get quiet and ramp back up again. The difference, the words. People may cry out blasphemy by hearing this but just try it before you judge it. A good example is, your great name by Todd Dulaney. It could almost sound like something from the Moana soundtrack.
But back to film making. I work hard to be an actor using movement, music, and acting to create films because, I guess I want to make all kinds of films. The budget stuff, I don’t get but that’s coming. I’m learning music and coding and more behind the camera stuff because I know one day, my body may not be as capable or ill be less of a performer.
When I graduated from juilliard a manager confronted me and told me I should start choreographing now but I wanted to have a career first. I didn’t understand at the time that he was suggesting I do both so I could have a leg up. I suppose this is why I took such a long break so I could play catch up on learning the creative aspect and now am working on rehabilitating my dance body. This way, I can keep working on my own creative voice while still having the chance to perform. I needed to find a way to fill that outlet so I went into established systems and tried to direct. That didn’t go over so well. I get really passionate about this and what I perceive as trying to help is often interpreted as, from what I’ve heard, as ego. And perhaps, I’m hearing that wrong too.
A very big part of how I express myself is through body language. I grew up a dancer and an artist, so I don’t view the human body the way I find most people do. There is a sexuality that I exude but for me, showing my body isn’t always sexual. Recently, I created a Johnson’s add where I’m standing in my under where shaking a Johnson’s bottle of baby power and I captioned it Stay safe, play with your Johnson’s. Sexual, I know but it didn’t start off that way. I had just gotten out of the shower and saw the bottle and something just said to play with it. I put my camera up to start shooting and the placement was where it was. I was trying to get it to puff powder, so I started squeezing it. The next day I did it again but before i took a shower so there wouldn’t be fog. The idea was when I squeezed the bottle and the powder cane out, it would fog up the bathroom and when the bottle sucked the powder back in it clear out the fog. It wasn’t until I showed my mom and she pointed that it looked sexual that I even thought about it. I love creating word associations, and so I took her idea and went further, realizing the position of the bottle and the name, I came up with the Johnson’s idea.
Relationships baffle me because I don’t feel the need to have to be in one of it doesn’t agree with me. I didn’t always think this way, tho. But I also don’t stay angry at past partners because through everything, there is still a little love left. I find that most people won’t get that so even tho it gets lonely, it just seems easier to stay single. I dislike having to validate a person I’m with. But I can understand why it’s needed. I like options, in many aspects of my life. I’ll just end there. The rest is my business. I absolutely believe this is my life and I’m going to live it the way I want to and work with the people I want to. I go where it’s warm. I’ve been through enough that I am completely comfortable and feel justified in making that decision for myself.