I’m starting to hate this. A world of straight people still telling me how I should feel. This is the crazy part. I did this already. I’ve been this performer and athlete who was isolated. Separated from parts of himself and kept screaming it from the top of his lungs, literally. Now, instead of singing it feels like its still around my sexuality. I will say this. None of this is worth it if I can’t be myself. I honestly mean that. And given my past, I will not choose isolation again for money or the your comfort. I’ve been there before and i ended up in the loneliest place in my life. I gotta be me or just let me get a job because when I keep talking about this isolation I feel and you think you’ve solved it or that you’ve found the “right” partner for me all you’re doing is not hearing what I’ve been saying and I’ll withdraw even more. That’s when my mind starts unintentionally scheming and creating the escape plan. Stop assuming. Stop physco analyzing and for once, listen to what I’m actually saying.
I don’t need you’re acceptance. I’ve fought my entire life to accept myself and I’m done giving my power away. Time and time again , we come back to this place of how I feel failed by my community and society and you still think you know best. I am growing and evolving. I have learned to integrate my sexuality as a part of my life. That was the goal. My actual sexuality. Not the one, you want me to have or what seems appropriate to your standards. I’m begging you, if you can’t be ok with that. Please find someone else. I once believed my career was the most important thing to me but the truth is, being my whole self is priceless. And just because one part of me has become more quiet or I’m focusing my energy on other places for a time being, doesn’t mean it’s not still there but, In time what it feels like is a volcano waiting to erupt because It is being denied and that’s when things become careless or get wreck less. You’ve seen it over and over again with politicians. Obviously, something isn’t working. Let me be me. Everyone will adjust.
Straighten up and fly right. Cool down papa, don’t blow your top.
This is how I won’t.
I just sang my heart out. Sang out in the park with nothing Nd no one inhibiting my sound. It was so liberating and free. My brother says he can hear from the other side of the park. I have a big voice. That’s what my teacher always said. For the first time, I feel like I’m finding my sound. I think I’m like a little Richard. One of a kind? I sang tutti frutti and with some practice, I think I could really nail it. Higher, by creed has really been in my body. I’m loving that song. But the question I keep asking is what am I supposed to do? I have all these different places of expression and i don’t know if there is a place for me. It feels strange. It gives me anxiety. Where do I go? How do I get there? What now?
I understand, what good is power if not to help others without. I just don’t want to give too much again. I’m learning to set boundaries and protecting my energy. I’m no good to anyone, depleted. I can’t be everything to everyone. This is the meaning of letting go.