In a society that cries out for equality it always seems to fall on the shoulders of the successful black man to uplift his people. I go back to Kobe’s death and the one of the biggest feelings I remember having is how much the community needed him because there are so few successful black men. It’s a responsibility we unknowingly put on our successful black men. This image of perfectionism, wholesomeness, and family values. Putting before the individuals need the need to have to be this, what I feel is the true colonial ideal for what a black man should be. My family isn’t perfect. I’m tired of pretending. We’re not the Cosby’s. And to some degree, that’s a good thing. It’s time we stop perpetuating that myth about the happy church going black family where the church can solve all your problems. That’s not true. Jesus doesn’t fix everything. In my experience, he’s caused more harm in my life than good. I feel like everything about me irritates my father. But he loves me. He does, I know it, but he’s a hard man. I’m judged by other black men for running to white society and enjoying my life when there are people still suffering. Why don’t u date a black man? They say. Why does that have to be what my contribution to black society is? I’m apart of a therapy group for people of color and there’s so much anger around the idea that I want to date outside of my race. And apparently it’s common in other races. I shared, I’m still healing and why is it so wrong to want to have an easier life. Someone mentioned, don’t you think it’ll be easier to date someone you can relate to. The truth is, I never really related to this. I always felt like an outsider but so does every black gay man who grows up in a homophobic environment. And so do white men and Indian, and Mexican, latin, and Asian, etc. And being able to live your truth as a gay man should be enough. Period. Point blank.
As a child I didn’t need to see gay black fathers for inspiration. I just wanted to see a gay black man living free. That was my dream. Whoever he was with, I could care less. And that’s my frustration, now. I want true freedom to experience and express myself however I want cause it’s my life and I’ve had enough of this experience to not have to have it be my home. My biggest frustration is that black people get so stuck in the idea of having to date someone that looks like them when I have and always think my greatest intrigue has been in something different.
My sister shared with me one day her frustration with there being so many gay black men in our community because there are so few good black men and all the good ones are gay. She even seemed mad at me for it and I simply said, then try something else. Why spend so much time being upset about something you cannot control?
Now, I’m not opposed to any race gender or whatever. If there is a connection there is a connection and I’ll explore it but the experience I seem to be having right now, is a white one and I will not be bullied into something to benefit everyone but myself. To my black community, learn to take what people are offering and do like I did and get the rest that you need else where. Cause like relationships, you’re never going to get everything you need from one person. You can actually have the life you want and that’s exactly what I intend to do.
I wrote it out and now I release it to the universe.
And so it is.