I find myself awake at 3 am wondering about the complexities of life and the most profound realization came to me. I in many ways still want to be a kid. When I come home, when I have the “black experience” for a lack of better words. I have to be the role model. I got out. Somewhat made something of myself and now it’s my duty to go back and forward the race. I think I wanted to get out, tho. I wanted an easier life that existed outside the limitations of any particular community. The truth is, it isn’t just a black thing many communities do it. Live inside parameters of what they categorize as their communities. I was watching a YouTube video where a Buddhist monk was talking about freedom and in order to understand freedom, one has to understand limitations. It seems no matter where I go, I am faced with limitations. My family understands my work ethic better than anyone but to get to be the gay kid I never had a chance to be, won’t really happen here. New York, I get to be that kid but I can’t make money. It’s why I need both but it seems In order to have either, one part must be sacrificed therefore never having the chance to fully be whole. This is probably why I don’t want kids. Is definitely why I loved doing background and tv. I got to just play for a living. It’s why I want to make movies and learn how to draw so I can make disney type films and anime. I want to play the avatar, or Sylvester or prince. I wanna be like robin williams and never stop being a kid because that’s what brings me the most joy. I think In a lot of ways the industry has lost that. Driven by the desire to make money over creating wonderfully creative creations. I often thought about what it would be like to work for Disney but I guess I’m too gay for that. My brother asked me if it would be nice to work for universal and perhaps I would. If working for them means I get to make all kinds of movies. Yes, that’s what I want. I want to tell all kinds of stories, be all kinds of characters. I want to play.
Still a kid
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